Hurt

I've been hearing "Hurt" by Nine Inch Nails a lot lately. Or maybe its just because I can 100% relate to the lyrics that when the songs played it sticks out. Either way, when you find a song you can relate to, it makes you feel as if you aren't alone. Yes I have demons, past and present, they are captured in the lyrics.

I hurt myself today
To see if I still feel
I focus on the pain
The only thing that's real
The needle tears a hole
The old familiar sting
Try to kill it all away
But I remember everything

What have I become?
My sweetest friend
Everyone I know
Goes away in the end
You could have it all
My empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt

I wear this crown of shit
Upon my liar's chair
Full of broken thoughts
I cannot repair
Beneath the stains of time
The feelings disappear
You are someone else
I am still right here

What have I become?
My sweetest friend
Everyone I know
Goes away in the end

You could have it all
My empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt
If I could start again
A million miles away
I would keep myself
I would find a way

What Goes around Comes Around

Another good day yesterday. I was able to keep my mind clear the majority of the day. I don't know how long it's going to last, but I'm trying to be a better person and help people out as much as I can. My friend Mallorie is such a sweet girl but she has a past, which makes it hard for her to get a good job. Right now she has a part time job that she hates. But I was able to pull some strings and get her an interview for my current position (that I have 4 days left in). I fixed up her resume, helped her with a cover letter, and even helped her with a thank you letter. And she got the job! I'm so happy for her! I know this is going to be great for her self esteem, she can feel like shes being a better mother to her adorable 2 year old daughter, and maybe she can even find the confidence to get out of the relationship that she is so unhappy in. It makes me feel awesome that I can help someone out so much. I want to start doing good things for people. And even though my motive is getting good Karma back, at least its not money or something materialistic.

Last night, it was a little hard to fall asleep. I wasn't sad or anything, but sometimes my mind races. I'll fall in and out of consciousness thinking about things that make no sense, and I'll jerk myself awake and start where I left off. My mind races, about Kevin. And about how its funny that this is coming full circle. How both my relationships relate to each other. Tim is Kevin, and I am Tim's ex Jenny. Tim was happy with me he was moving on and his ex reappeared into his life, he reverted back into that boy that would desperately do anything to get back together with his ex. And here Kevin is, moving on with his new girlfriend. And here I am thinking about reappearing into Kevin's life. And then I think, I don't want to be Jenny. I don't want Kevin's new girlfriend to be falling in love with him, and here I come and rip him away from her. Just when he's moving on, just when he's becoming happy again. Its not fair to Kevin or his girlfriend. Just like it wasn't fair what Jenny did to Tim and I. I understand where she's coming from, they broke up a year ago, she's still single, the holidays came around, shes lonely and the man she dumped is happy with his new girlfriend. I can understand missing being in a relationship and being jealous. I am there now. Which is why I'm fighting myself hard to stay out of Kevin's life. I need to let them be happy together, I don't want to cause issues for someone I don't know. Any maybe its because I now see how that has a rippling affect.

Maybe I am learning some valuable life lesson. I'm learning to see things from different perspectives. Learning to listen to myself instead of acting rash. Learning from things I've done to other people, and things done to me. And after all this realizing, I revert. I am again thinking about how much I want Tim to figure out that Jenny isn't going to work out. And I want him to figure out that he wants to be with me. And I want to be back with him. Though not right now, in the future. And I hope in the future, I don't still think like that.

Self Defeat VS. Self Control

I've officially been single for two weeks, or as I like to call it Independent. And I've finally realized I what I'm doing wrong. I'm setting myself up for failure, and for these emotions to come back and cripple me. The first thing I was doing wrong was constantly checking Tim's facebook, to see if I could see any evidence of him and his ex getting back together. Trying to see what he's been up to. The second thing I was doing, was looking at his ex's profile. Surly she would brag that she was hanging out with him again. So two days ago I finally said that's enough. Every time I look at either one of their profiles for validation, I just end up hurting myself. Obsessing over it isn't healthy and I knew it all along. Yesterday is the first day I actually listened to myself. I fought the urge to type in those three simple letters in the search box on facebook. And yesterday is the first full good day I've had in a long time. The first day I felt like I can make it through this. 

I also started a sort of deflection tactic. On my drive home yesterday I started to think about Tim and Kevin, and instead of harp on the memories I thought to myself. "Let Kevin go, Fuck Tim". And then I just repeated it until I got past the moment. And it worked. Usually when I wake up, because I'm so tired, I usually wake up sad and wanting to stay in bed. Mornings are hard anyway, but with a double broken heart, they can be unbearable. So this morning I did it again "Fuck Tim, Let Kevin go. Fuck Tim, Let Kevin go". And again the sad feelings passed and I could go on normally. I'm starting to making strides towards a peaceful, happy mind.

My biggest worry is technology. I have plenty of self control when I'm sober. But unfortunately I'm a normal 25 year old, who likes to have fun on the weekends with her friends at the bar. And sometimes that leads to maybe drinking a little too much. That's when the self control is the hardest. I've tried to help myself by deleting Tim's number so I couldn't contact him. But there's always facebook, and the fact that my "smart" phone can't completely delete him. There's a way I can get his number. So I have to hope that when I'm drinking I can fight the urge to contact Tim. Kevin's number I just don't want to get rid of. I haven't contacted him drunk yet, and I'm hoping I won't. But Tim will be the problem. My first Independent weekend I texted Tim saying hi and I called him. He actually called me back the next day, giving me false hope that he wanted to get back together. Last weekend after a night of drinking I really contemplated texting Kevin, then Tim, and I said to myself, "NO DON"T DO THAT". And to my surprise I didn't. This coming from the girl that made a fool out of herself in college over an ex that didn't even deserve to be with her, for at least a year, because of alcohol and self control.

I want to succeed in self control. I want to fail  in self defeat.

"You can walk through Hell with a Smile"

I know this is my fourth post in two days. But I just have so much to say. I should have started blogging earlier. This is really a blog for me to write down my feelings as they come. Sort everything out. And hopefully one day reread everything I have written, and realize how far I have come.

Friends try to give me advice, what they say is valid. It makes sense, but it doesn't make me feel better. I still have that empty feeling in my gut. That feeling that nags at you making it hard to do normal day to day things. That feeling that makes you want to tell your boss your sick and you need to go home and curl up in bed. That feeling that if you don't ignore it only gets worse.

Happiness is a state of mind. If I work on it I know its achievable. I have a lot of positive things going for me right now. I start a new job on Feb. 4th. A job where I'll be busy and hopefully make some new friends. A job where I'll have to concentrate instead of day dreaming about being back together with Kevin or Tim. I'm also working to my tennis game, I play every Saturday. I'm trying to eat healthy and I'm back into lifting weights. Something I didn't think I could ever do on my own, but I am. I'm cute, and I'd like to think I'm charming. I have a few guys that are interested in me, but the thought of being with a man right now makes me want to vomit. But still there's hope that in the future some guy will be interested in me, and I will be interested too. I'm trying to be positive. I'm tired of being depressed. That statement it itself should be power enough to turn my life around. But it's not. It's going to take time.

Ah, time. Time is precious, but I want it to go by fast. I want this to be in the past. I want to feel better. I want to complain. I want to cry. I want to smile and laugh. I want to heal. I want to talk to Kevin. I want Tim to want to talk to me. It's funny how life works out. I have learned so much in such a short period of time. I truly feel like I'm in a cocoon right now, and I want to come out as a beautiful butterfly. I want to stop worrying about my future. Where I'll be. Who I'll be with. Where my roommates are going to end up. Will I be all alone? Will I have to move back in with my parents? Sometimes I want my brain to turn off. I want my emotions to stop. I don't know how. I want to be able to walk through hell with a smile. I want to forgive myself. I want to be forgiven. I live in a new city, I don't know many people. I'm trying to make friends. Being female is easiest to make friends with males. But you can't be friends with males, they always have other motives, or can you? I'll find out.

After having a few blogs under my belt, I've realized that I jump all over the place with my thoughts. This is literally how its been all day everyday for the past two weeks. When will it all stop? I have the power to make it, I just need to listen to myself. It will take time. I'm positive I can walk through hell with a smile.

"...on the Radio"

Waking up is hard. Every morning I wake up with the same empty feeling. I tell myself to try to be positive and push the thoughts about my ex's out of my head. (My ex of 3 years being named Kevin and my rebound ex is Tim). My job is boring. There's rarely work to do. I sit in an office alone. Trying not to think about Kevin or Tim. But my mind wanders anyway. I dread going to work and sitting on facebook, talking to other friends that are bored at work. I try to keep busy with endless games of tetris. Many times I've had to text my mom and vent about my feelings of sadness and hopelessness. Many times I've texted my mom telling her of epiphanies I've had about my current situation and how I'm feeling in "good spirits". Only to revert back to emptiness, loneliness, regret, and guilt.

This morning, like any other morning, I drive to work and listen to my favorite DC morning show. This morning they were talking about how "Stan the Man" from the St. Louis Cardinals died. Automatically I think of Tim, he's from the St. Louis area and an avid Cards fan. I start thinking about Tim. I get sad. Then a caller comes on the radio, "Hi this is Tim from (insert city here)," and he goes on to talk about the Cardinals. I think it can't be Tim, but it sounds like Tim, to the T. So I text him, and ask, though I know I shouldn't. Then I feel stupid, of course its not him. He texts me back "It was me". And that's it.

My heart plummets. I can't escape him, in my mind, on the computer, on the radio. He's everywhere. What are the odds. I miss him. We used to listen to the morning show together when I'd spend the night at his parents. He probably called his ex to share his excitement for being on the radio. But a few weeks ago it would have been me. I don't want to think about him getting back together with her. I want to be the one he calls. I want their relationship to fail again. After all if it didn't work out the first time, why would it work out again? I want him to find himself, and come back to me. Why? I don't know. Any normal person would think "he doesn't deserve me, if he isn't over his ex". But I want him back desperately, and I'm willing to wait. And that scares me. And I want Kevin back desperately, and that scares me. Is it because I'm lonely? I feel like I will never find anyone else that I will want to be with romantically. I feel like my time is running out and at this age (25) I should be with someone that I think I'm going to marry. I was with that person. That person was Kevin. I don't know if anyone will ever read this but me, but if you are and you are confused, think about what is going on in my head. Its an explosion of confusion. I can't get my thoughts straight. I broke up with Kevin, I should let him go. But I can't. My mom says its because he grounded me emotionally, and right now I need to be grounded. That could be the reason. I'm also missing that feeling of security that I had with Kevin. That could be another reason I miss him. Maybe I just miss him. Maybe I will always miss him. What if I compare every man I meet to Kevin and Tim. And this is when I realize I have to break the cycle. I can't think like that. I can't be scared of the future, I want to learn to embrace it. But I am terrified.  

Rock Bottom

After changing my entire life for my new man, moving and losing the best friend I had in my ex. He dumped me. I couldn't believe it. No one could, he dumped me. He felt he was mentally cheating on me, because he couldn't stop thinking about his ex recently. They had dated over a year ago. I just didn't understand. There was my Karma. What I had feared the most had happend.

I was alone. I hadn't been alone in almost 3.5 years. I didn't know what to do with myself. In a way I was relieved. Now I would really be able to sort out my feelings. I was sad, I missed both the men I had loved, or at least thought I loved. And here I am now. Confused, trying to be strong, at times I am hopeless, at times I am sad, at times I am optimistic.

I decided I wanted to start seeing a therapist today so I could get out of  this rut. My emotions being all over the place are getting to me and I need to figure out how to be happy. I found out yesterday that my first ex is dating someone else. I'm upset hes moving on but i should be happy for him. How can I be happy when I don't even know what I'm feeling for him. Do i miss his secuirty? I knew he loved me. Do I miss  him? Do I still love him? I don't know, all these emotions are confusing me.

I am most certian my recent ex is getting back with his girlfriend. With the lovely invetion of facebook, nothing is a secret. I feel like a fool, I'm angry with myself. I did this to myself. There is no one else to blame. Was this fate? Was I meant to be in this situation as some sort of life lesson? And this is why I'm blogging. To document my jouney in finding happiness, in myself, on my own, forgivng myself. Healing, finding out who I am without a man to define me. This is my thearpy for myself.

Being "in love" with two people

Life comes at us fast, even when we think we are ready for the blow, we learn fast that we are not. This is a story of how my actions changed my entire life, and my journey learning to cope.

I was a happy 24 year old, living with my boyfriend of 2.5 years (3 years all together). I knew I loved him but lately I'd been having conflicting feelings. I loved him, yet I had a yearning for other men. I was content but I was bored. Was I happy? Was this how I wanted to spend the rest of my life? I didn't know but I didn't want anything to change.

Then my best friend moved into the basement. She was single, she was free. I was, in a way, jealous that she had the world at her fingertips, no one to hold her down. She started to rub off on me. I would go out with her on weekends, and flirt with temptation. Things never went far untill one night I met him. The man who would change my entire life.

At first I wasn't interested. Could I flirt with him? Sure, he was into me and I knew it. A few days went by and I added him on facebook. Flirting over chat became spending lunches together and sneaking around to see eachother. I knew what I was doing was wrong. But I couldn't help it, I couldn't get him out of my mind. There was something in him that my boyfriend didn't have. What it was, I didn't know. Was it because it was something new, was it because he was an asshole to everyone but me, was it the sexual attraction and the need to find out what was really there? Possibly it was all those reasons and more. While I would barely allow myself to cheat on my boyfriend physically, it was cheating emotionally. My mind was a whirlwind. What was I supposed to do. Do I take the risk? Do I stick to secuirty and someone who treats me how a man should treat a woman? My decision ultimately changed my life, and though in the future I'm sure I'll see it was for the best. But now I'm struggling to see this blessing in disguise.

I followed my "heart". I broke up with my boyfriend, moved in with 2 friends in a different city, and rushed into a relationship with the man I thought was fate, I thought for sure he was my future. He had to be right? Why else would I break up with my boyfriend of three years if he wasn't.

A couple months went on, we were happy, the connection we had was in my mind effortless. He came to thanksgiving with my family, I went to Christmas with his. We went on a 3 night vacation with 20 of his friends, to the ocean for New Years Eve. I thought all was right with the world. I was happy when I was with him, but when I wasn't, I had feelings of guilt, guilt for doing what I did to my ex, feelings of regret, I wish I had went about things different, feelings of insecuirty, would someone do to me what I did to my ex? Cheat on me and leave me from someone else? 

And thats where we are today.....