"...on the Radio"

Waking up is hard. Every morning I wake up with the same empty feeling. I tell myself to try to be positive and push the thoughts about my ex's out of my head. (My ex of 3 years being named Kevin and my rebound ex is Tim). My job is boring. There's rarely work to do. I sit in an office alone. Trying not to think about Kevin or Tim. But my mind wanders anyway. I dread going to work and sitting on facebook, talking to other friends that are bored at work. I try to keep busy with endless games of tetris. Many times I've had to text my mom and vent about my feelings of sadness and hopelessness. Many times I've texted my mom telling her of epiphanies I've had about my current situation and how I'm feeling in "good spirits". Only to revert back to emptiness, loneliness, regret, and guilt.

This morning, like any other morning, I drive to work and listen to my favorite DC morning show. This morning they were talking about how "Stan the Man" from the St. Louis Cardinals died. Automatically I think of Tim, he's from the St. Louis area and an avid Cards fan. I start thinking about Tim. I get sad. Then a caller comes on the radio, "Hi this is Tim from (insert city here)," and he goes on to talk about the Cardinals. I think it can't be Tim, but it sounds like Tim, to the T. So I text him, and ask, though I know I shouldn't. Then I feel stupid, of course its not him. He texts me back "It was me". And that's it.

My heart plummets. I can't escape him, in my mind, on the computer, on the radio. He's everywhere. What are the odds. I miss him. We used to listen to the morning show together when I'd spend the night at his parents. He probably called his ex to share his excitement for being on the radio. But a few weeks ago it would have been me. I don't want to think about him getting back together with her. I want to be the one he calls. I want their relationship to fail again. After all if it didn't work out the first time, why would it work out again? I want him to find himself, and come back to me. Why? I don't know. Any normal person would think "he doesn't deserve me, if he isn't over his ex". But I want him back desperately, and I'm willing to wait. And that scares me. And I want Kevin back desperately, and that scares me. Is it because I'm lonely? I feel like I will never find anyone else that I will want to be with romantically. I feel like my time is running out and at this age (25) I should be with someone that I think I'm going to marry. I was with that person. That person was Kevin. I don't know if anyone will ever read this but me, but if you are and you are confused, think about what is going on in my head. Its an explosion of confusion. I can't get my thoughts straight. I broke up with Kevin, I should let him go. But I can't. My mom says its because he grounded me emotionally, and right now I need to be grounded. That could be the reason. I'm also missing that feeling of security that I had with Kevin. That could be another reason I miss him. Maybe I just miss him. Maybe I will always miss him. What if I compare every man I meet to Kevin and Tim. And this is when I realize I have to break the cycle. I can't think like that. I can't be scared of the future, I want to learn to embrace it. But I am terrified.