Life comes at us fast, even when we think we are ready for the blow, we learn fast that we are not. This is a story of how my actions changed my entire life, and my journey learning to cope.
I was a happy 24 year old, living with my boyfriend of 2.5 years (3 years all together). I knew I loved him but lately I'd been having conflicting feelings. I loved him, yet I had a yearning for other men. I was content but I was bored. Was I happy? Was this how I wanted to spend the rest of my life? I didn't know but I didn't want anything to change.
Then my best friend moved into the basement. She was single, she was free. I was, in a way, jealous that she had the world at her fingertips, no one to hold her down. She started to rub off on me. I would go out with her on weekends, and flirt with temptation. Things never went far untill one night I met him. The man who would change my entire life.
At first I wasn't interested. Could I flirt with him? Sure, he was into me and I knew it. A few days went by and I added him on facebook. Flirting over chat became spending lunches together and sneaking around to see eachother. I knew what I was doing was wrong. But I couldn't help it, I couldn't get him out of my mind. There was something in him that my boyfriend didn't have. What it was, I didn't know. Was it because it was something new, was it because he was an asshole to everyone but me, was it the sexual attraction and the need to find out what was really there? Possibly it was all those reasons and more. While I would barely allow myself to cheat on my boyfriend physically, it was cheating emotionally. My mind was a whirlwind. What was I supposed to do. Do I take the risk? Do I stick to secuirty and someone who treats me how a man should treat a woman? My decision ultimately changed my life, and though in the future I'm sure I'll see it was for the best. But now I'm struggling to see this blessing in disguise.
I followed my "heart". I broke up with my boyfriend, moved in with 2 friends in a different city, and rushed into a relationship with the man I thought was fate, I thought for sure he was my future. He had to be right? Why else would I break up with my boyfriend of three years if he wasn't.
A couple months went on, we were happy, the connection we had was in my mind effortless. He came to thanksgiving with my family, I went to Christmas with his. We went on a 3 night vacation with 20 of his friends, to the ocean for New Years Eve. I thought all was right with the world. I was happy when I was with him, but when I wasn't, I had feelings of guilt, guilt for doing what I did to my ex, feelings of regret, I wish I had went about things different, feelings of insecuirty, would someone do to me what I did to my ex? Cheat on me and leave me from someone else?
And thats where we are today.....
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