I know this is my fourth post in two days. But I just have so much to say. I should have started blogging earlier. This is really a blog for me to write down my feelings as they come. Sort everything out. And hopefully one day reread everything I have written, and realize how far I have come.
Friends try to give me advice, what they say is valid. It makes sense, but it doesn't make me feel better. I still have that empty feeling in my gut. That feeling that nags at you making it hard to do normal day to day things. That feeling that makes you want to tell your boss your sick and you need to go home and curl up in bed. That feeling that if you don't ignore it only gets worse.
Happiness is a state of mind. If I work on it I know its achievable. I have a lot of positive things going for me right now. I start a new job on Feb. 4th. A job where I'll be busy and hopefully make some new friends. A job where I'll have to concentrate instead of day dreaming about being back together with Kevin or Tim. I'm also working to my tennis game, I play every Saturday. I'm trying to eat healthy and I'm back into lifting weights. Something I didn't think I could ever do on my own, but I am. I'm cute, and I'd like to think I'm charming. I have a few guys that are interested in me, but the thought of being with a man right now makes me want to vomit. But still there's hope that in the future some guy will be interested in me, and I will be interested too. I'm trying to be positive. I'm tired of being depressed. That statement it itself should be power enough to turn my life around. But it's not. It's going to take time.
Ah, time. Time is precious, but I want it to go by fast. I want this to be in the past. I want to feel better. I want to complain. I want to cry. I want to smile and laugh. I want to heal. I want to talk to Kevin. I want Tim to want to talk to me. It's funny how life works out. I have learned so much in such a short period of time. I truly feel like I'm in a cocoon right now, and I want to come out as a beautiful butterfly. I want to stop worrying about my future. Where I'll be. Who I'll be with. Where my roommates are going to end up. Will I be all alone? Will I have to move back in with my parents? Sometimes I want my brain to turn off. I want my emotions to stop. I don't know how. I want to be able to walk through hell with a smile. I want to forgive myself. I want to be forgiven. I live in a new city, I don't know many people. I'm trying to make friends. Being female is easiest to make friends with males. But you can't be friends with males, they always have other motives, or can you? I'll find out.
After having a few blogs under my belt, I've realized that I jump all over the place with my thoughts. This is literally how its been all day everyday for the past two weeks. When will it all stop? I have the power to make it, I just need to listen to myself. It will take time. I'm positive I can walk through hell with a smile.
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