Self Defeat VS. Self Control

I've officially been single for two weeks, or as I like to call it Independent. And I've finally realized I what I'm doing wrong. I'm setting myself up for failure, and for these emotions to come back and cripple me. The first thing I was doing wrong was constantly checking Tim's facebook, to see if I could see any evidence of him and his ex getting back together. Trying to see what he's been up to. The second thing I was doing, was looking at his ex's profile. Surly she would brag that she was hanging out with him again. So two days ago I finally said that's enough. Every time I look at either one of their profiles for validation, I just end up hurting myself. Obsessing over it isn't healthy and I knew it all along. Yesterday is the first day I actually listened to myself. I fought the urge to type in those three simple letters in the search box on facebook. And yesterday is the first full good day I've had in a long time. The first day I felt like I can make it through this. 

I also started a sort of deflection tactic. On my drive home yesterday I started to think about Tim and Kevin, and instead of harp on the memories I thought to myself. "Let Kevin go, Fuck Tim". And then I just repeated it until I got past the moment. And it worked. Usually when I wake up, because I'm so tired, I usually wake up sad and wanting to stay in bed. Mornings are hard anyway, but with a double broken heart, they can be unbearable. So this morning I did it again "Fuck Tim, Let Kevin go. Fuck Tim, Let Kevin go". And again the sad feelings passed and I could go on normally. I'm starting to making strides towards a peaceful, happy mind.

My biggest worry is technology. I have plenty of self control when I'm sober. But unfortunately I'm a normal 25 year old, who likes to have fun on the weekends with her friends at the bar. And sometimes that leads to maybe drinking a little too much. That's when the self control is the hardest. I've tried to help myself by deleting Tim's number so I couldn't contact him. But there's always facebook, and the fact that my "smart" phone can't completely delete him. There's a way I can get his number. So I have to hope that when I'm drinking I can fight the urge to contact Tim. Kevin's number I just don't want to get rid of. I haven't contacted him drunk yet, and I'm hoping I won't. But Tim will be the problem. My first Independent weekend I texted Tim saying hi and I called him. He actually called me back the next day, giving me false hope that he wanted to get back together. Last weekend after a night of drinking I really contemplated texting Kevin, then Tim, and I said to myself, "NO DON"T DO THAT". And to my surprise I didn't. This coming from the girl that made a fool out of herself in college over an ex that didn't even deserve to be with her, for at least a year, because of alcohol and self control.

I want to succeed in self control. I want to fail  in self defeat.